I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
