were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
