Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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