I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
