I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
