Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
