So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
