May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
