What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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