I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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