i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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