Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
