I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
im on a boat
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