I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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