Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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