If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
