you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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