Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We're not piercing ourselves today.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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