if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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