oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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