I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
why is half of my head shaved?
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