I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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