Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
