my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
