God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
