I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
