I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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