if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
