dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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