i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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