yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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