When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
