Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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