stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
