I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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