remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
