I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
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She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
