Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
