I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
