I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
