my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
