So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
