Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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