totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
