I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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