Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
