I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
