What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Randomize
