I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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