I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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