what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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