why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
