i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
